If you grow up between thieves
(written early February 2013)
Something is definitely amiss in Oz, if my readings of her posts from her Facebook site are any indication.
Again, I’m not sure why she opened her account to the public
again after panicking a few weeks go when she discovered we were connected.
Perhaps she feels safe and that I no longer have access to
see her public postings but needs to site to send messages to one of her other
victims.
She is fully aware that I read her poetry postings on her
blogger account, and perhaps tailors each to specific people.
But in some ways, both poetry and Facebook communicate
similar messages, although Facebook appears to be saying it more openly –
although not too directly – and appears to suggest that there has been a
significant change within her enclave, although just what this is, I can’t say.
Two of her more recent poems from the blogger site hinted at
some change, and conflict, but it is not possible to know from them what
transpired.
This change was reflected in a poem posted on Dec. 19, in
which she talks about the frustration of the social games people play.
“All seems a bunch of crap to me,” she wrote. “You can say,
as you sit alone and once again alone, `At least I took the proper steps,’
seems awfully flat and cold to me. This does not a true love make, in my own
mind, at least, or maybe therein lies a fairy tale I do not believe anyway, so
maybe I have spun one for myself. And at this stage in the so-called game, at a
time when game-playing exhausts me, and I, of an ilk that does not naturally
play these games at all, and if love is a game that must be won, and played so
calculatedly to sustain, It's time, I think, to try and consider a life alone,
or, at least, to learn to love myself and my instinct to stay away from all the
play that doesn't feel like play at all. No games, no unclear and stagnant
ritual, no stupid dancing around the beauty of the truth. For one who over
thinks anything that can be thought, I think it's time to do.”
This signaled some dramatic event in her life that does not
appear to have anything to do with me, although she had to be aware of my
reading the poem when she posted it, since a number of the other poems she has
posted were directed at me on some level.
This came just after her poem from back in 2003, suggesting
that she has finally come to realize that she had been used by others she had
an attachment, too, possibly RR.
Apparently, her attempt to “get into TV” supposedly a gig on
NBC or CBS failed, and she was floundering for identity, and even went so far
as to offer to do work for her mayor’s Chief Rival – although this may also
have been a political ploy designed to undermine him the way she apparently did
at our office for RR and the breakup with RR (if it indeed occurred) broke off
this arrangement, and she scrambled for work again.
After almost a month of not posting, she put up the poem talking
about turning towards the right direction when all else is failing and her need
for affection which she almost forgot she needed. This seems to correspond to
her getting a job as a secretary or press person in the Virgin Mayor’s office.
A she posted a few
days later about waking up early in the morning in search of answers.
Four days later, she posted yet another nostalgic poem about
her love of a famous professor in Columbia who she might or might not have had
an affair with, but certainly admired, and emulated, and looking back to 2001
when she studied with him, she seems to be longing for the opportunities she
had then but never materialized.
Then last Monday, she posted a poem in which she bemoans the
fact that she must grab onto the short straws and the small calls of duty as
what is, rather than the loftier road insisting on what should be.
This may well define some of the conflict between her and RR,
where as he kept bullshitting her about great plans she had had, or it may
simply be her acceptance of her job rather than the great schemes she imagined
she deserves.
Since I don’t check any of her sites often, I’m not sure
exactly when she made her Facebook page public again, but the first post was
posted about the same time she was making reference to a chance to work
together with good and dedicated people.
Again,
she seems to be bemoaning her inability to achieve what she wants.
Ironically,
I ran into the head of the shelter in the town I work in last Wednesday while
covering a funding event there, and when I approached him for a quote and told him
where I worked, he made reference to her, telling me “She’s really a great
person.”
He
had the same love-sick look I’ve seen on the faces other men when referring to her.
What
exactly is transpiring in her life, in the office, or elsewhere is hard to
tell, but she is clearly still in the middle of some drama that she is
struggling to work out. One of her male friends on Facebook replied to her with
a message of support “Just know you are not alone in this wild, wild world...no
matter what.”
She
replied about an hour later, “Thank you. Knowing we all go through the same
thing keeps me going.”
At
this point, the police director she had used to threaten me last summer came in
asking “Holy Mackerel!! What's going on up there???”
Whether
he meant her apartment or city hall, it’s hard to tell.
Although
with posting of snow photos from out of her window, one of the church yard,
another of her fire escape, she posted another Spanish quote
"Si
te crias entre ladrones siempre piensas que todos te van a robar,” translated:
“If you grow up between thieves you always think that they all are going to
steal you.”
Assuming that she made her Facebook public to communicate
with someone, and that someone is not likely me, what exactly is she saying
here? Is she sending a message to RR or to herself, is she talking about her
disappointment with his delusion or blaming her family for how paranoid she
feels?
Hard to tell.
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