Just give me some truth Dec. 22, 2012
I wonder if her posting pictures of her cat on Facebook has any
relationship to the death of my cat, Tiny Tug, or merely a coincidence?
She has had her cat since she lived with her husband.
I like to think she might be sympathetic over my loss, and
this is her way of expressing it.
But I’ve been mistaken before.
Her last few poems suggest that she is going through intense
loneliness.
I got this same sense during the summer when she posted
pictures of herself on the beach, not with her lover, but with her brother.
I’m still stunned by her 2003 poem if he actually means what
I take it to mean, how much she has exposed herself on the assumption that
people who read it might actually get what she means.
She has couched it cleverly enough to give her plausible deniability
later if the wrong people confront her about it (again assuming I have the interpretation
correct, which as my previous journal entries show I’ve struggled with a number
of different interpretations, and still do not know if any of them are accurate.)
I’m not certain who she expects to read them. Unlike during
the summer when I could tell which poems were aimed at me, her current batch of
poems appear to be thrust out into the world to see who if anybody can make
heads or tails of them – with several of these like the 2003 poem crafted in a
way that anybody might take any meaning they want from them.
I’m stunned about how much she reveals about herself,
wrapping painful experiences in clever metaphors that she might not say more
openly, expressing vulnerabilities and even intense emotions she might not
otherwise in other ways admit to.
Has she chosen this means of communication in order to foil other
people who might be looking over her shoulder, who might not want her to be
saying as much as she is saying?
More likely, she is simply needs to say things she cannot
say to any one else, and like a message in a bottle cast these poetic gems into
the ether with the hopes someone might understand and perhaps respond.
It is also a safe way to communicate in that it avoids the
romantic entanglements her last poem outlines, all those odious rules that she
hates but others follow, a venue that allows her “to tell it like it is,” “no
beating around the bush” and “if you can’t handle the truth, you can’t handle
her.”
I’m not sure anybody can handle her because to date she
doesn’t seem to have found anyone who can handle the truth, except in these
poetically disguised exercises she can engage in without driving people away.
At some point, she will slam this door into her inner being closed
and stop posting her poems. But it seems to me, she has left the door open a
crack for a reason, perhaps trying to reach someone who is smart enough to get
what poems mean and strong enough to handle the truth.
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