The endless cycle Oct. 6, 2012

 


Down here in Cape May I’m cut off from what is transpiring up north, whether she had quit yet or not, or perhaps has changed her mind now that the scheme concocted by her boyfriend has gone awry.

The couple in the motel room next door woke me in the middle of the night, moaning and groaning in their love making so I drifted in and out of sleep, my consciousness filled with strange dreams including fears of the Cuban mob, searching people out, determined to get rid of anybody associated with the plot, including me, with a scene like the last one in The Godfather playing in my head, pop, pop, pop, pop.

I keep thinking of the first line in her last poem: “It’s the right thing to do.” Meaning what? To quit and maybe even to get out of town?

And how she blames herself for bringing bad on the whole thing as she has all those previous times.

And the vast silence from her corner of the table at the staff meeting last Tuesday when all the other writers talked about their stories, laughing and cajoling, part of a world she does not fit in with.

I can’t help thinking how much she has squandered, her immense talent gone to waste in petty plots, few or any of which ever came to fruition, as if her defense mechanism is actually something that brings on her self-destruction.

She seems trapped in the “endless cycle” with no apparent easy way out.

Maybe she saw RR as the key that unlocks a door to success finally, pumping her up with potential for serious attention from a serious media, only to have it all burst like an overfull balloon.

No wonder she’s bitter.

She blames me yet can’t possibly know everything I did behind the scenes, the people I’ve talked to in an attempt to ferret out what RR was all about.

Yet, she’s savvy enough to guess, yet not connected enough to know it all, which leaves her to see it all as bad luck or fate that brought doom down upon her, as well as a faithless owner of our company who would not stand behind her when it came to losing advertising dollars.

There are people in our office that legitimately love her, and will miss her immensely when she’s gone, and she is so self-centered she doesn’t see it.

 

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