Window into her soul

 

  

December 2012

 

I’m trying to make sense to something that makes no sense – as if her poem about schizophrenia from September is true in some regard.

Only it is my perception of who she is I see from the outside and who she reveals herself to be from the inside through her poems.

She is two or more distinct people, none of whom I pretend to even remotely understand.

As if she needs to put on masks in public to protect who she really is in private, while at the same time needing desperately to find some public acknowledgement for the person she thinks she is or might become.

Her masks protect the very vulnerable her poems suggest resides inside her, glimpse of this inner being she lets people have through her cryptic poems. If you are clever enough, and kind enough and determined enough to break this code, you might get a real vision of who she really is.

Although I suspect, nobody yet has been as clever or kind or determine enough to do so.

Who that someone might be is beyond me to know, or perhaps even beyond her to know.

The whole thing intrigues me, she being an endless, incredibly complex puzzles, the pieces of which I can never make fit.

I’m only beginning to understand her desperate need for importance, how this amazingly multi-talented human being just can’t catch the break she needs to get recognized, often used and abuse by people who pretend to help her, some more kindly than others, but all wearing the same questionable face, behind whose smile lies someone not very caring at all.

I do not believe she is the black widow that my PR friends claims she is, although I believe it is a mask she might wear from time to time, one designed to show strength to avoid being mistaken for being vulnerable – which she is. And the more vulnerable she feels, the more ruthless the mask she puts on.

Does she ever remove her masks? For anyone? Is the face we see in private also a mask?

Why does she post poses that show what she is really like inside – poems that are a window into her soul, if you’re clever enough to figure out the code?

Will there ever be anyone in her life who will care enough and who she can trust enough, so that she might remove the last mask to show just who she really is?

 

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